Healing Our Troubled Relationships

Hello spirit beings! This is a post that I have been somewhat avoiding. 

Relationships are so complicated for many of us. I would say that bad relationships have one of the biggest negative impacts on our lives. A bad relationship with anyone close to us will distort our way of viewing life for the worse. We can become distrustful, angry, bitter, and frustrated when too many negativities enter our lives. 

I do not advocate any particular style of relationship or claim to know about any truth regarding relationships, but today I wanted to talk about three relationship coping mechanisms. These mechanisms are not for people in loving, healthy relationships where the energy exchange and the spiritual level of the people involved is equal. 

These coping styles are for people who are in conflictive or combative relationships. These types of relationships have been infiltrated by the concept of duality, instead of being harmonized by Oneness.

I want to let everyone know that it is okay not to have perfect relationships right now. Our spiritual evolution is a work in progress and while you may be having trouble with your relationships today, this won’t be the case as you move forward. 

Let’s start with some basics.

Your most important relationship is to the Divine Will. It’s true! Your most important relationship will always be to God, Spirit, Creator, or your Higher Self. No matter what type of relationship you have, you want to ask yourself if it is in God’s interest for you to be in it. Most of us aren’t saints and we can only hope for the level or love and compassion that a Christ figure would have towards all mankind.

Therefore we must deal with our relationships on the level of spiritual advancement we have. If we are at Buddha levels, no relationship can harm us. We will have infinite love for all creation and nothing anyone says or does can remove us from our happy place.

If you are at that level of consciousness, your spirit cannot be harmed and you are free to walk this Earth in perfect peace.

For those of us who aren’t quite there yet, we have a challenge. 

How much do we accommodate in others and how much do we avoid? What is the best route to take for us when we are in inharmonious relationships? I do not claim to have solid answers, so I will give you possible choices



You can choose to martyr yourself and take any level of disrespect, anger, hostility, or abuse directed at you by a loved one. You may choose to stay by an emotionally abusive girlfriend. You may choose to never leave an alcoholic husband. You may choose to continue involving yourself with family members who have hurt you in significant ways. Remember, it is always a choice.

If you choose to martyr yourself you are giving up a lot of the ability to protect yourself. By martyring yourself to bad relationships (with whomever) you have allowed negativity to be directed at you. 

If you choose this relationship dynamic, your higher cause should be to eliminate your own sense of ego and become a peaceful serene creature, capable of handling any human’s emotions and energies. 

It is a noble cause and it is a goal you will certainly achieve someday if you are working towards enlightenment.

The problem with becoming the martyr is that, often times people do not understand your cause. They see you as being a doormat and this causes them to test the limits of your kindness and patience. 

This happens for two reasons, one the person has a low vibration and is drawn to abusing others and you have made a perfect victim. Or, two your own vibration is one of false martyrdom. Every time this person harms you, you feel anger and disappointment. It eats you alive and causes aches, pains, and mental illnesses. Inside you, something wants to protect your ego and sometimes even your actual physical body, and this energy of protection refuses to be okay with the situation. 

We don’t live in a perfect world.

The reality is that people can be atrocious. 

If every encounter with a “bad” person makes you emotionally spin out of control and brings you nothing but rage, indignation, depression, and grief, are you really becoming a better person through that process?

If you get angry and lash out, do you not put yourself back into a lower vibrational state? 

I encourage martyrdom. I encourage everyone to have the spirit of Jesus and of Buddha, who would not harm a single living being. These were people who were so advanced that nothing another creature did could cause them to fall from their high vibrational state. 

The true martyr feels nothing but compassion when another person injures him. 

IF you want that for yourself in your life, I congratulate you and I want you to continue walking that path. I also want you to walk that path wisely, do not allow yourself to become a sinner, so to speak, in the process. 

If you choose the martyr path in your relationships you must meditate DAILY, in order to stop negative thoughts from forming against those who injure you. If you take the martyr path you are choosing to remain in a higher conscious state then those around you; you have to, it is your duty. 

To be a martyr in relationships you must be prepared to strive for your own enlightenment. Meditation, yoga, positive affirmations, crystals, energy healing, faith, religion, and on and on, all the tools you can think of you must use. 

It must be strongly emphasized that being a Martyr is not being a victim. Many of us want to be the victim. We want to let go of any personal responsibility, we subconsciously want to suffer, and we want to blame others for our problems. This is a very harmful mentality. By allowing someone else to abuse you, not only do you harm yourself (which is not God’s plan for you), but you allow someone else to further sink themselves down and you unconsciously take them away from God’s plan of happiness for them. 

If you are not ready to put that much effort into being a loving conscious being, I do not advice you to take the martyr path. It will create more emotional and spiritual problems for you and for those around you. You will be doing a disservice to the world by being angry and tense all the time, instead of in a Loving state. 

You can only be a Martyr if you are ready to let go of ego and embrace Christ-Consciousness 100%. When you reach the level of True Martyr, you reach the level of True Lover. The fascinating thing is that when you put out pure love, people around you turn away from their falsehood of duality. Your pure vibration of love transforms people. 

This is something that no false Martyr can do!



The Savior path is similar to the Martyr path, but with a more Yang energy. 

The Martyr is receptive and begins to accept life as it is, without reacting. He/she uses the Yin life force and puts out only Love and good vibrations. 

The savior path is the active principle. You will be using your positive qualities and higher state to show people a better way. 

To be a savior, one must have a higher degree of consciousness than the person they are attempting to save. 

Let’s say that two people are at the same state consciously, one knows a lot about forgiveness and the other knows a lot about flowing with the Universe. They may enter a relationship and attempt to teach each other how to embrace these qualities. 

Many people try to enter the Savior path using the above principle. The usual outcome is that the people end up in endless cycles of anger and accusation, where neither party can understand the other. 

I would venture to say that most inharmonious relationships are like this. Two people become attracted to one another due to similar vibration and because they have a quality the other needs. In the beginning, things work out rather well and the couple enjoys a period of exploration and peace. 

When the first issue arises the couple slowly begins disintegrating, in bad cases this continues until the couple ends in a split. Although they had valuable things to teach each other, their lack of understanding about the higher levels of consciousness has forced them to see each other as separate entities. The compassion, nurturing, and caring spirit that the relationship had leaves and only dualism is left. 

To be a savior to someone, you must be 1000% sure that you are of a higher vibration. If not, you will only return to duality and not be able to deal with the truth of Oneness that is present in your relationship. 

You cannot save someone spiritually if you are not in the position to exhibit the principle of Oneness. 

Many times I see people claiming that they are with someone to “help” that person. You must ask yourself does the other person believe I am helping them or do their actions, thoughts, and words suggest that I am hurting them?

A huge problem in relationships is that we try to give a person what we would want, and we never stop to consider what they would want. 

One person wants a marriage and tries to convince the other person that marriage is the best thing that could happen to them. Another person despises the idea of marriage and tries to convince the other person that marriage is the worst thing that could happen to them. Back and forth infinitely this couple is stuck in the cycle of duality. 

We become a false savior when we think our reality is superior to the other person’s. 

This may be true, in a way. Is a loving, peaceful, and harmonious energy “superior”? Yes. Can we truly save someone when we believe we are superior to them, NO. 

Paradoxically the higher your vibration, the less superior you feel. 

Two lower vibration people are convinced they hold the truth and the way to life and they each try to beat the other over the head with this truth. 

Meanwhile a higher vibrational person who has been blessed with true knowledge of the truth holds themselves in a position of humility and deals with the other person from a place of respect and oneness.

If you want to play the Savior role to anyone it is your job to question yourself continuously. Do I have the truth? How do I know I have the truth? Is it possible that I am wrong? If I am wrong am I willing to admit it?

If I have the truth, am I Christ enough to transmit it? Can I deliver this truth loving, effectively, and compassionately?

Is there a possibility that by wanting to enlighten this person I will actually make them turn away from spirituality and Creator?

Having a Savior relationship is a huge responsibility. Most of us enter this responsibility out of ego-desire to have our beliefs validated. 

If you cannot let go of the desire to be right, I do not recommend a Savior path for you. 



The deserter path is the most peaceful path and it is the path that Sages have prescribed for their students since time immemorial. 

To desert is to abandon.

Buddhist monks abstain from contact with the civilian world and associate only with those who have made vows conducive to the spiritual path. Even then, they choose to speak very little and only what is necessary. They have deserted the normal world of relationships because they believe that this will allow them greater peace and clarity as they work towards their spiritual goals.

Many of us have also played the deserter role. We have abandoned friends, family, and lovers. Some of us do it many, many times. In fact, some of us do it chronically and can’t seem to stop!

The deserter path is neither yin nor yang, but it is the path of stillness

There comes a time when someone might say I cannot deal or be around this person anymore without causing harm to them or myself. 

It is good that you have come to this conclusion. Do not torture yourself for a bad relationship.

I want to tell you a small truth.

Most of the time we lie to ourselves. We tell ourselves we are great people because we have endured an abuser in our lives. We tell ourselves we have great strength and determination because we refused to let a lover go. We create fairy tales about how our suffering has made us better and stronger. 

On one hand, it is true. One day all the things that made you suffer will seem so silly and all the times you held on to bad situations will make you question your sanity at the time. 

BUT, listen closely if you cannot deal with your life and relationships with an outside calm perspective, it is best to put them down for a moment and that moment may last a few years. 

If everything your mother says to you causes you to break down and cry and then both of you get into a screaming match, you’re not winning anything there. 

If you and your wife can no longer stand to be in the same room for more than five minutes without arguing, there’s nothing constructive happening there. 


Just leave! Leave for a week, leave for a month, leave for a year, or leave for the rest of your life. 

Deserting does not  mean giving up. Deserting means temporarily separating yourself from these harmful situations until you are spiritually strong enough to handle them with the grace and loving-kindness God intends you to live your life with. 

If you want to desert your relationships because you don’t want to deal with the guilt of any pain you’ve inflicted, or you want to absolve yourself of any responsibilities you have to a person, or you’ve decided that it’s not worth your effort learning how to be a peaceful person, then I do not recommend the deserters path for you. You are simply running away, with no intention to do right by people and return to Oneness.

When you leave, leave with the intention that if you meet this person again, you will be the most loving, calm, serene, beautiful, compassionate, and peaceful person they have ever met. 





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